Que: What do Hyacinth and Nigel have in common? Ans: Surnames that can be pronounced according to personal preference.
Hyacinth, snob extraordinaire and little England social climber, insists her surname is not Bucket (as in there’s a hole in my …) but Bouquet – as in pretty floral arrangement sitting atop grand pianos in National Trust properties.
Nigel, grandiloquent hater of the EU and vocal opponent of Brussels, insists his name is not Farrage (as in cabbage) but FarAAAge. Nigel, like Hyacinth, seems to prefer the elegant consonants and vowel sounds of the French language to the more guttural sounds of Anglo-Saxon English.
To be fair on Nige though his surname is actually a bastardisation of French. That is because Nige, like Mr Rumpy Pumpy (aka Herman Van Rompuy, President of the European Council, to you and me) share a common ancestry. Farage, like Van Rompuy, is a Belgian surname albeit the former is Flemish, the later French.
So, on the basis that “fairs-fair” and the Belgian state insists upon linguistic equality EU Perspective proposes that Herman can be called Mr Rompy-Pumpy on condition Nigel hence forth be known as Mr Fargy-Wargy.
Nige’s Belgian background is all the more astounding given his otherwise impeccable middle England credentials, dismissal of Belgium as a “non-country” and his avowed hatred of Brussels. When EU Perspectives learned this little nugget of information it thought “Blimey – the guys Belgian really and not from Little Foxgrove, somewhere in the Shires.”
Not that it matters in the least.
The EU is all about non-discrimination, equality, freedom of speech and giving a Chap the right to spread his message from one EU country to the next. Having a Belgian, not English surname, should be no hindrance to an otherwise ambitious politician who wants to spread his message beyond the confines of middle England. Today Winchester, tomorrow Zaragoza. That, after all, is precisely what the EU is all about, is it not?
Any one foolish enough to try and stop FarAAAge from getting his message out there would be given a swift put-down thanks to EU anti-discrimination laws strictly enforced by the ECJ. The EU is also gracious enough to give Mr Fargy-Wargy a platform from which to preach his anti-EU message – within limits. He did get a fine for suggesting the Council President was a “damp cloth”.
It is only right and proper in a pluralistic society that upholds the rule of law for Nige to have his say. And thank goodness for it says EU Perspectives.
Without Mr Fargy-Wargy Brussels would just not be the same. Every organisation, like a Shakespeare play, needs its buffoon or resident court jester, to prop the place up and prevent the play or place from drowning in its own earnestness.
Lady Ashton, the EU’s High Representative was once compared, by Nige, to a “political pigmy”. As a result of this insolence,
‘I was told to wait outside the headmaster’s study at 5pm. A flunkey said “would you like a drink?”, meaning coffee. I said: “Yes, please, I’ll have a large gin and tonic.” They didn’t like that.’
We do Nige. We love it.
A nice G&T, with ice and a splice, is just what’s needed when being given a dressing-down by a Lady.
The 11 UKIP MEPs, with Nige at the forefront, are our very own Barmy-Army in Brussels – and heaven knows Brussels needs them. They bring a touch of Westminster to Strasbourg, turning otherwise dull Parliamentary committee meetings into a right old, argy-bargy.
That is why EU Perspectives say to the voters of Eastleigh: “Don’t vote for Nige or UKIP today.” It might encourage him to leave Brussels and run for Westminster at the next general election. The EU is not ready to loose its court jester. No one we can think of shares his penchant for cracking such fine wise-cracks observations. And fairs fair. British politics gets to keep Boris as their resident buffoon. We get to keep our very own Mr Fargy-Wargy to keep up the right-old Brussels argy-bargy.